


bring a jacket, hell is a little cold

by izzylerd (orphan_account)



Category: USWNT - Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-06 05:27:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6740185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/izzylerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She remembers everything and she wishes she didn't. Now she's faced with bright silence and heartbreak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	bring a jacket, hell is a little cold

**Author's Note:**

> okay, so this is the angstiest fic I have ever thought of/written. like, seriously. if you don't like major angst don't read this. 
> 
> but yeah, sorry about this. I didn't mean to make it so, sad, I guess for lack of a better word.

You remember everything. Her eyes, her voice, her smile, those five words that ended your world for the third time, running home and getting drunk off your ass. 

And the crash.

God do you remember the crash. 

You remember the split second of silence and stillness of the world, how a single tear rolled down your cheek as everything came crashing down on you. And then glass was digging itself into your skin, metal crashing against metal, blood running down your head and your arms. 

And you can't help but think it was all worth it. All of the empty bottles that littered your apartment floor before you stumbled into your car for some fresh air. Historically, you were a fine drunk driver. Sure, you might go over the line or speed up a little when you shouldn't, but you've never been drunk enough to the point where it all just tastes like water to you. Your throat was numbed so much but you didn't really care, it was all so worth it. 

////

You can still hear them all talking to you as you lay still in the hospital bed. Alex was the first one to find out, or you guess she was because she was the first one to show up. She was crying, and hard, so much that she couldn't even talk. She just grabbed your cold, limp hand and held it as she sobbed. You felt a little bad then, you've always hated when she cries, but she destroyed you and you feel like shit for being happy that she's hurting. 

But she doesn't even care, you know she doesn't. She's engaged, she's in love, she's forgotten about everything you had before. It broke your heart so, so much. You still haven't recovered from it because you love her so much. More than anything in the world and now you're just in pain because you're hurting her. 

It's so stupid how it's working out. She broke your heart and so you broke hers in return, you were happy about it, but now you're nothing but guilty because of how selfless you are. You hate it, you hate you, you hate her. 

It's not fair. None of it is fair. Your torn between your decision to be an idiot. You were happy you get to stop fighting so hard to be alive, you're mostly depending on machines now. But you wished you hadn't done it because you want to touch her skin, look into her eyes, hear her voice clearly instead of like you're underwater. It's just not fair. 

////

Ashlyn and Kelley find out next, and they know why you did it. They know all about your heart break and the struggle to get through every day as you watched Alex turn into a star. And it wasn't fair that they got to fall in love, that they got to be happy with Hope and Ali while you were stuck in a black hole. 

You tried so hard to get out, so hard, but it was never enough. You were never enough. Not for her or yourself. All the blame seems to come back to you, it's all your fault. It's your fault for falling in love, it's your fault for working so hard to be on the team and meeting her, it's your fault for not getting out of that damn hole. 

You know you shouldn't be blaming yourself, especially in your current situation. But it's all you can really do as you stare into nothing but white light. 

At first you thought you were actually dead, that you actually sped up enough and flew out the window. Or that your body bled out, something like that. But then you started hearing the machines and the monitors and your friends. You were kind of disappointed to still be alive. And that's probably not a good thing, not wanting to be alive, but it's all done now.

////

You don't know how late or early it is, but Ashlyn and Alex's voices grab your attention one day. 

"You should've done something", Alex whispers and you're dumbfounded.  
"What?" Ashlyn sounds taken aback too.  
"You should've done something when she left the party. Someone should have gone after her, kept her from doing this"  
"I'm sorry, you're blaming this on us?"  
"You could've done something!"  
Ashlyn laughs coldly, and you know you would have too if you were awake, "I can't believe you. You expect us, to go after her from something, you, did? You're fucking unbelievable Alex. This is your fault, you disregarded her and her feelings for two years and now she's depending on machines to keep her alive! What were you thinking? You said you loved her, you said you cared for her and wanted her more than anything. But no, you left her and she's been struggling to get through everyday. And then you decide to get engaged after ignoring her feelings for two years. Two. Years. Alex. This was your problem to fix and you ignored it, and now it's just worse. Don't you dare blame this on us. She loved you Alex, and you took her for granted"

If you were awake you would have cried. 

////

You think you hear the doctors talking with Alex one day about telling the team, and you guess it's only been a couple days. The entire team would have found out somehow, it doesn't take an idiot to notice that Tobin Heath hasn't been seen for a couple days. 

////

You were right, it's only been four days since the crash. The entire team, one by one, came into your room and talked to you. Ali cried the hardest besides Hope, and it just makes you feel worse. God, you were so selfish about the entire thing. You can't believe you didn't think about everyone else and how they would react. Or the game, the fans, your family-

Oh God, your family. You can't even begin to think of how they're feeling right now. Or if they even know. It makes you feel sick, and if you were awake you'd probably throw up at the thought. But you can't really do anything but feel bad in your current state. Guess that's what you get for letting Alex take over your life.

////

"Hey Tobin, uhm, I miss you. A lot. It's getting harder seeing you lay here, not seeing you smile that big smile of yours. The team misses you too, it's been a little weird adjusting to not having our favorite number seventeen. And it kind of hurts too, not having you as my bus buddy now. Alex is still pretty lonely, but we know it was like that before you did, this"

Christen's voice scares you and breaks your heart at the same time. 

"I can't believe that this is actually happening. You're actually laying here, living off of machines"

You know she's crying by the crack in her voice.

"I know it's because of Alex. It makes me hate her even more for doing this to you. I kind of hate you for letting it happen and not reaching out to anyone but I know you like to be there for yourself. But, Jesus Tobin, I would've been there for you. I would've helped you out of this. And I know what we had was a long time ago and you're past it but I'm still lingering on it. And if you can actually hear me I just want you to know a part of me still loves you, and I wish you would've told someone about this so my heart wouldn't be breaking so much right now"

It's silent and you're not thinking, you can't. 

"That sounds incredibly selfish, I know, but I just miss you so much. Not even in the relationship way but the friendship way. I miss your laugh, your smile, your liveliness. I miss everything, I just-"

She sniffles a little and you feel her fingertips trail over the skin on your arm. 

"I miss you"

////

You stopped thinking and lingering on your thoughts a while ago. You got sick of it. Got sick of the guilt, the worry, the sad and empty feeling you have now. No one's been in your room but doctors since Christen came, and lord did you wish you could've woken up and apologized to her. But it's getting harder to form simple thoughts - which probably isn't a good thing - and the bright light is getting dimmer as the days linger on. 

////

"Did you hear about Alex and Serv?"  
"Yeah, I can't believe it took Alex a month of Tobin being like this to end it"  
"Do you think, if Tobin wakes up, she'll forgive Alex?"  
"Tobin would do anything for Alex, you know that"  
"Well yeah, but this is different. She could die any second, she's still in there and she's probably been doing nothing but thinking"

Kelley and Hope have been here for a while, just talking between themselves. You knew someone was going to bring up this conversation, you just didn't expect it to be Hope. 

"Do you think Christen has-", Hope doesn't say anything, but you know what she's talking about.  
"Yeah, she didn't tell me exactly what she said but I know she's already said something"  
"Would Tobin go back to her?"  
"Only God knows what Tobin will do when she wakes up"

You're glad Kelley considers your faith in this situation

"If she wakes up"

You're not glad people are starting to lose faith in you.

////

Your family showed up a couple days ago, and you've never heard Perry cry harder before. And it just broke your heart even more. You can't believe how dumb you are. How you let Alex got to you like this, how you threw your life away for a blue eyed forward from California. 

They know it's because of her too, everything seems to be because of Alex now. It's unhealthy, you've been unhealthy for two years. 

And it was sad, it really was. If she had been awake she would've cried with them.

She finds herself saying if she was awake a lot more now.

////

"Bonjour Tobin, long time no see. I didn't think this would be how we reunite but, guess that's how the world works"

Laure is here now, playing with the tips of your fingers. You can't imagine the lengths she went to get out of PSG to come see you.

"What have you done to yourself Tobin?"

You still don't know the answer to that. 

////

"Listen, Tobin, if you actually can hear us, and you're still in there I just wanna tell you what's been happening the past three months"

Surprisingly, it's Lindsey this time. 

"So we got into the Olympics, it took a lot of fighting against Germany, but we made it happen. We're still adjusting to not having you, but we're getting there slowly. And we won the SheBelieves Cup, it was really emotional, a lot of people were there. Some fans even started chanting your name cause they miss you. I think they're convinced you're out with an ACL tear, but they're getting antsy to know how you're doing with recovery and if you'll be back. I don't know how much longer we can keep telling them you're on bed rest"

She pauses and you hear some shuffling and a sniffle. 

"We all miss you, a lot. I think Christen and Alex miss you the most. Ashlyn and Kelley have come to terms that you might not come out of this, but Christen is torn apart and Alex said she was thinking of retiring and moving to Europe or something. She said everything around her reminds her too much of you, which she really doesn't have a right to say because this is kind of her fault. But I'm not taking sides on this one, you both were broken before all of this happened"

////

It's almost pitch black now, and you feel tired. It's been five months, the fans have found out, Alex hasn't scored a goal in seven games, Christen stopped coming by a couple weeks ago because she finally got engaged to Julie, and you overhead Ashlyn talking about a funeral. 

You're most likely losing brain signals or something, there's probably not a lot of activity going on in your head. And it scares you, because they could unplug your machines and then you'd be gone. You don't want to leave, the past five months of silence has given you a lot of time to think. You regret everything, you regret ever being mad at Alex and letting go of Christen. 

But most of all, you regret letting yourself get like this. You dug a hole so deep you can't even believe it. 

////

"Uh, so, I know I haven't been by in a while and it's mostly because seeing you here still breaks my heart but I'm here. And I'm not here to tell you I miss you or anything. I'm here to apologize for everything I've done to you. I know it's not enough, it'll never be enough for you. I'll never be enough for you. I've never hated myself than I do right now, just seeing you here as lifeless as ever. I regret everything I've ever done. I regret pushing you away, leaving you, getting engaged to Serv. I can't believe I actually left you for him, he never made me feel as happy and at home like you did. I'm just, I'm so sorry Tobin"

////

It's dark now. You can't form full thoughts. You can barely understand what people are saying around you. It's getting worse. You know it. And it's scary. So scary. You don't want to die. You don't want to stop fighting. You just want to wake the fuck up and be with Alex. Because you've forgiven her now. 

You still don't understand why she did it. Or what made her think she should have. But she's admitted and apologized for her mistake and God would want you to forgive her. And you should listen to Him. He's gotten you through six long months of pain and emptyness. The least you could do for Him is wake up and live the rest of your life. 

////

"Tobin, listen, I'm gonna give this to you straight forward. They want to cut off your life support. The doctors are losing faith in you waking up because of the amount of brain activity there isn't going on in your brain. They told the team and your family and we've all agreed that it'll be for the best if you don't wake up soon. And we won't upset, I mean yeah we'll all be sad but you've fought hard for six months and sometimes you have to let go. So, just know that if you can't fight anymore, it's okay for you to let go" 

////

You don't know what to do. You don't know what to do or how to even get out of this. What could you even call it? A coma? A really long dream? God giving you a chance to push through? What are you supposed to do to wake up? 

////

You figure you're supposed to pray, so you pray. You pray until you can't think of anything else to pray about. And nothing happens. It just keeps getting darker, you can't hear or feel anything any longer and you've never been so scared in your life. 

You really don't want to die, you'd rather be in this endless pit of silence than die. You don't know how long they gave you to wake up but you keep praying and trying to fight like your life depends on it. Because it really does. 

////

"Tobin Powell Heath, what have you gotten yourself into?" 

A voice you don't recognize wakes you up and you're face with the bright white light again. You look around, because apparently you can do that now, and turn until you're met with a large man. He's tall, like really tall, and he's wearing white robes. 

"Are you God?" Is the only thing you ask, and it feels so weird because you haven't used your voice in so long.  
But the tall man just chuckles and shakes his head, "No, I'm just your guardian angel. He did send me down here to talk to you though. He wants to know why you stopped fighting"  
"I didn't, I haven't", you rush out, "I've been praying and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do to wake up but nothing's working. I'm only dying faster and it's scaring me"

The angel furrows his brows, tilting his head down on you. You don't need to hear him say anything to know what's happening. 

"Im not gonna make it am I?"  
He presses his lips together tightly, "I don't know"

////

His name is Russ, he's been your guardian angel ever since you were born. He said that you might not make it, that it might all be over soon but he promised to do everything in his power to help you. And by helping you, well you don't know what that means. You're back to the bright light again though, and you can hear the doctors talking to each other. You learned you only have two days left before Russ came to talk to you, and they've extended your time ever since your brain started showing more activity. 

But it still scares you, because it could all go away any second. God could give up on you and bring you to him, but you doubt you'd go to heaven for trying to take your own life, even if it wasn't intentional. 

////

"All He told me was that this is your fight to get through and He will forgive you if you can't fight anymore"  
"I'm tired of fighting Russ, it's been seven months. I haven't heard any of my friends for a whole month, and they're so close to taking me off of life support. They've given up on me, so what's the point in fighting?"

Russ is quiet, running a hand over his chin. He's quiet for a while actually, you're scared he's just going to disappear with no advice but his eyes light up after a while. 

"I'll be right back" 

////

"Hey Toby, it's been a while. I don't really know why I'm here but something just kind of told me to come see you one last time before they unplug you. I won't be there, of course, since I'm not immediate family. But I'll be at your funeral. It'll be sad, but I think I'll manage to survive without you. I don't know about the fans though, or anyone else on the team. We've all kind of been in our own worlds, preparing for the World Cup Qualifiers"

You feel forgotten about now, but that doesn't stop your heart from breaking as you listen to her stand up and stroke your hair back one last time. 

"No, Lex, please", you scream out, trying to move your body. 

You keep screaming until an even brighter light shines in your face and everything goes silent. 

////

"I'm really gonna miss you Tobin Heath, I'm sorry", you stroke her hair one last time and turn away, grabbing your bag and walking toward the door.

You don't want to do this, it's the last thing you expected to be doing a couple months ago. You though she'd wake up by now. Hell, you thought you'd be married to Servando by now. But your dumb ass didn't see that you love Tobin more than anything and you ended it. 

He wasn't happy, you weren't happy, you still aren't happy. Tobin isn't standing beside you as Jill calls out the hotel roommates, she isn't there smiling at you as you raise the World Cup trophy, she's just not here and you miss her. 

So when you hear her voice echo through the back of your head you freeze and all of the blood in your body runs cold. 

"Lex"

Of course, of course she'd start fighting right when you're about to walk out. You deserve it though. 

"Please don't go"

Her voice is a quiet rasp, your body doesn't agree with your mind and you rush towards her. 

"Oh my god Tobin!" 

You cry out through tears streaming down your face and she's really here. She's really staring up at you with those beautiful brown eyes and her mega watt smile. 

"I missed you", it comes out cracked and raspy and you hush her with your finger, running out into the hall and shouting out to anyone around. 

////

You've been awake for 24 straight hours, seven months of sleeping has left you a lot of energy to do nothing but watch movies and lay in the hospital bed with Alex. 

////

You talked, a lot, and eventually worked things out. 

It took a lot of time but she eventually earns your love and trust back and stops apologizing, and you stop worrying you'll die every time you go to sleep. 

It took even longer for you to get cleared to play soccer again, and once you were you got right on the pitch and worked hard. After four months of camp and recovering, you were back into your starting position for the World Cup Qualifiers. 

////

It's been two years since the crash, and you still can't believe it all happened. You won the World Cup, earned a couple medals and trophys and eventually told the fans what the hell was going on those seven months. You and Alex came out together too, you're getting married this spring. 

You've had a long fight, a lot of emotions and almost giving up, but you made it. 

You can't thank God and Russ enough for giving you a second chance to make things right.

**Author's Note:**

> I was gonna kill Tobin but this is already sad enough and I'm not that evil. That's mostly why I put the character death tag lol. 
> 
> Tell me what you think?
> 
> Also, I'm not Christian so if this isn't how God and praying works I apologize. I don't mean to offend anyone, I just know Tobin is strong about her faith.


End file.
